Should something change?

This is a pretty personal post btw, not dark or anything but it may not be up your alley to have my ramblings and questions get to you or something.

A few weeks ago my mom had a talk with me, when she discovered my videogame collection. To be clear, it was not even hidden, you only have to enter my bedroom and look to the right, something she has done before, my guess is she never stopped to count them or she didn’t think those boxes were all games, whoops.

She was worried about me, and talked about how I need to focus on the right things and stop getting distracted by the internet and videogames, and that I should not be spending so much money of it. She doesn’t know how much I actually spent, but well let’s just agree that it’s not insignificant.

I do also agree with the time investment/getting distracted part. I do waste time on YouTube, and even if I mostly stick with the fediverse for social media, it still can be a bit of a timesink. I definitely could do without some of the impulse purchases I’ve made before.

But calling videogames a distraction doesn’t sit right with me. They have plenty of positives, but I don’t think I need to talk about that here.

One of her questions was about what do I even do sitting in front of a computer most of the time, once I arrive home from work, especially when it’s been a while since I’ve gone to the gym too. Yes it’s YouTube, and scrolling on social media, maybe some PC games here and there or some graphic design on Inkscape. I’ve never been clear about it, “I’m just using it”, I say, whenever I am working on my blog, writing or editing a post. I use a window manager on Linux, so it’s always easy to switch my screen to a browser or whatever. Sometimes I don’t mind to show the editor though, they don’t read that closely.

I don’t have to hide the stuff, to be honest, if my parents stumbled upon any post from my archive, they wouldn’t find anything new about me or something that would change the way they see me, the only difference is they’d know I share it online, when I don’t talk much in person about things that interest me. That reminds me of another post I wrote a while ago about how terrible I am at explaining my hobbies. Either way, the face I show to the people in real life is not too different to here. I try to be honest.

Writing for me is a hobby and a bit of a ritual by now, no matter how fancy I try to explain why I write on a blog post, I don’t know how I would say it in real life. I feel that spending time typing out words that are not a novel or something that makes money doesn’t make sense to most people, it’s not productive I guess? Even less so when I don’t even care for ads and sponsored content—I wouldn’t mind reviewing a handheld or getting a steam code every once in a while though ;)

Back to videogames for a bit, it’s true that there are plenty of experiences more important than them, sometimes they can become an escape, and while that isn’t wrong, acknowledging reality matters, I don’t want to trick myself otherwise. I should be looking forward and actively work towards achieving something more. Perhaps it’s kind of a cliche but I do want to save up for a home, I do want to find a partner to share my life with, get married, and form my own family, I want to go through the good and the bad moments all of that entails, so many questions and things to experience. I want to live a good life, and that shouldn’t just be on the web, or just videogames or writing, but people, community, life.

But even then, videogames are awesome, I love to play them and to experience them, the variety of stories I get to live through, the challenges I manage to overcome, the mechanics and puzzles and gameplay I learn and even master sometimes. I think it’s possible to have both things so I don’t see myself ever leaving them completely.

I look at my dad who didn’t grow up with games and refuses to play them nowadays, and like, yes, he’s cool and he does read a lot and other things, but I want to also show my kids how to appreciate videogames from the ground up. There’s some pretty cool dads out there which are also a model for me, but nobody is perfect, so I parse through the examples of those that come before me and that I’ve met during my life, to grow myself according to some ideal. I may never reach it, but getting close is enough.

Yep, my kids will be playing SNES and GBA games before they learn what polygon-based graphics are, they’ll be getting stories from JRPGs and get used to waiting for their turn to move while the enemies still attack you, they’ll get used to a couple buttons and a d-pad before they need to use dual analog sticks. Eventually we’ll get to Halo and they will understand that you don’t need a run button to have fun in first-person shooters.

Reading and writing too, they spark so much, they inspire so much. Before bed I will read for them, stories from Jules Verne and C.S Lewis, like I did. They’ll learn how to solve the Rubik’s cube and all of that. They will have their own pens and learn cursive writing and know a world before whatever the future is. At least that’s what I’d like, but it doesn’t have to be any of that, I think I just want them to love learning.

Woah look at me, talking about what’s yet to come. It’s so weird, but I guess it’s something I’d like. If they want to do something else or lack any interest on anything of what I have to show and teach them, I will still try to guide them, but I’ll have to accept their choices, and love them regardless, it’s okay too. Maybe this is one of those posts I wouldn’t want my parents to read, why am I typing all of this out anyway?

I remember, I was looking for ideas online and just saw the way Robert starts a writing session and thought I may as well do the same, just another ramble of thoughts flowing one after another without any particular structure, and well now I am revealing a bit of what my hopes are.

I guess there’s a bit of a barrier to express myself fully in person. I am, after all, an introvert. I still barely talk during lunch with my coworkers, preferring to scroll on my phone instead or read some manga. I still don’t go out that much and if I do, it’s just to go by myself to some public space and read there instead of talking or meeting people. It’s not like I’m about to change who I am just yet though… I guess I could say I’ll try but not even sure how to start I guess.

Are videogames a deterrent on my progress? Is writing the same? I’ll spend less money on videogames sure, I already have a big backlog anyway so. Should I write a little less and experience more? Should I spend my free time in other things? I don’t particularly feel the need to. I eventually want to make a trip somewhere, like Japan, or Canada or some European country, Spain could be fun too I don’t know.

What’s this post about? How will I even title it? I talked about so many things from gaming being a good thing for me, to blogging and writing being things I don’t mention much and how I don’t want people around me to know I do it even if I don’t care that much, to building a family in the future and raising mini versions of me who will get into my hobbies and my wife’s too of course but ideally we’ll share some of them and…. I’ll just stop rambling about it all for now.

I’ve been working for two years now doing the same thing, and I guess that’s a totally normal thing too, I get good money, I don’t get overworked, I am building up on vacation days and the like. It’s all good, do I want more? Would that help? I don’t really want to rattle things that much, but I wonder if I’m stuck in a bit of a cycle. I have been thinking about the next step for a while, I don’t know which is it, or maybe I do and I just don’t want to take it yet, I like how things are, even though I feel something should change.

This is day 58 of #100DaysToOffload.